Article by Wendy McCance
Sometimes writing a post feels like writing a letter to a pen pal. I will fill a page with the latest information about what is going on in my life and ask what is new with the readers. There are times when writing comes easy and I could fill a dozen pages and other times where I am so bogged down in my own life that writing seems to be almost too much to consider doing. To write is to reflect and to face what is real at that moment in time. It can be difficult to take an honest look under the hood and then talk about what you found.
Since the end of August, I have been living with some new health issues. Now as I look ahead, the New Year is less than a week away and I will be starting 2015 with problems that have not yet been resolved. It’s not how I want to begin a new year, but with health problems comes limited amounts of control.
I remember writing to friends when I was a kid. I had a few different pen pals over the years. I remember the back and forth of letter writing and the anticipation of waiting for a return letter. Sometimes weeks or even months would go by with no response. I remember wondering if my friend was okay. Maybe they didn’t want to be pen pals anymore. Maybe they were just bored of writing. I’d wonder if maybe my letter got lost. Could they be confused with whose turn it was to write? Maybe they were offended because they thought I wasn’t the one writing back. Could you write another letter before hearing back? Was that too pushy?
Then there was the question of what to say. Updating a friend about what’s going on was good. Making sure you answered their questions from the previous letter was better. Asking questions and showing an interest in their life was the best thing to do. Being a kid was hard. At least it was for me. I always dissected everything and tried to do what was most acceptable.
I’ve come a long way from my days as a kid with this blog. Now I am willing to just let everything come out. It might take some time to get there, but it still comes out eventually.
Over the past 4 months, I have been prescribed 7 medications to try out ( at least 7, I might be forgetting one or two). I have had breathing and sleeping problems as well as issues with pain. I have seen specialists that checked my heart and lungs, hormone levels, and everything in between. It appears that overall I am in tip-top shape aside from what turned out to be a kidney stone (that I thought was appendicitis). No joke, kidney stones can be truly painful. My heart and lungs are fine, my thyroid levels are good, blood tests have come back normal and yet I have been on pills to even out my hormones (apparently I am in pre-menopause) and I need to take medication because my body has forgotten how to fall asleep.
The sleeping thing is still a struggle. After taking a pill for sleep and a melatonin tablet as well (a natural sleep aid), I am typing away on my computer. It is 1:55 am.
I have had an inner struggle where I am trying to look past health problems and just work on living my life. I had a breakdown the other day because I was so ill I could only stay at my mom’s house for the holiday for a few hours. I missed my in laws party altogether. I really want to just live my life, but, well let’s just say it’s a work in progress.
I look at other people and envy the fact that while I am downing several pills each day, deal with pain and fatigue and have limited opportunities where I feel well enough to get out, they are able to live full and vibrant lives. I want that life so very much.
So, here I am at the end of another year and it’s not the way I want to wrap things up. I keep reminding myself that there were several good months in 2014 and that I will see months like that again. I reflect on the fact that I have built a business that I love and that I would have never attempted if I had been able to go to a job outside of my home. I think about the extra time I have been able to spend with my kids because I can put them first. There is no tug of war between them and an outside job.
In many ways, the struggles I have dealt with have made me rich. Health aside, there were many obstacles I broke through and I get to live my life on my terms and in a way that suits me best.
So, as this year comes to an end, I look ahead with a goal to get back on track and stop focusing so much on my health. I have kids to raise and a business to grow and I look forward to seeing what comes next with all that is most important to me.
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