Article by Wendy McCance
I’d like to share a little piece of my soul with you. It’s nothing I’ve ever really spoken with anyone about, but this blog, this family of readers, I want to share it with you, here. You see, I have been numb for close to a year now. Shock from that damn cancer diagnosis has been slow to wear off.
I was diagnosed with smoldering multiple myeloma. What that means is that I have blood cancer, but my numbers haven’t reached a stage where it makes sense to begin treatment. Now, here’s the crazy part, when you are told you have cancer, your instinct is to fight. Get it out, control it, whatever you need to do to somehow take charge of the situation. But, with my diagnosis, there is no fighting. There is only waiting.
You would think that this isn’t such a bad place to be. When I sit back and think about it in a logical fashion, I agree. The problem is emotions get in the way and impatience tends to rule. It’s difficult going through a process of seeing your doctor every two months and holding your breath until you hear that you are good to go for another two months.
In my situation, the numbers have inched up ever so slightly. My original prognosis was treatment within a year based on the blood tests I was enduring each month. Well, in April, I will be at the one year mark.
So, what I would like to share with you is how messed up my head has been at waiting for something to progress that I don’t want to get worse. How can I want something to stay as it is and at the same time have such an incredible urge to get on with it already. There is this need to fight that has gone unresolved. My patience is wearing thin and my emotions have gone up and down so many times from all of the appointments to check my blood that I am just fed up thinking about the what if’s and am I prepared enough.
You can never cure your body of multiple myeloma. You can only hope for remission. With that said, it gives me tremendous amounts of guilt to feel that I wish that I could go to battle all ready. How can I feel this way when there are people who are actively fighting their cancer and who would trade for my situation in a heartbeat?
So, there you have it, a little piece of my soul shared. It’s not a comfortable thing to admit, but maybe, just maybe, someone else can relate and find comfort in knowing that they aren’t the only one going through such an uncomfortable experience.
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