Article by Wendy McCance
I hope what I am about to reveal to you might help anyone who is in the midst of dealing with a person who is negative, mean-spirited and out to destroy anyone in their path. I understand now that whatever you put out into the world will come back to you even if it is toxic. Karma shows itself by putting into motion whatever you have felt and acted on in the past. It bounces back and you are left dealing with the consequences good or bad.
I started seeing my ex-husband when I was 18 years old. I thought at the time that I was a strong person who was independent and confident in who I was. I had unwittingly chosen to get involved with someone who was very much like a family member. It was a toxic relationship, but felt right because it felt so familiar to what I had experienced growing up. When I was 27, we got married. We had 3 children and by the age of 36 I was in the process of a horrible divorce.
My ex-husband was full of vengeance and determined to demolish my life. He said he would bankrupt me, he put an enormous amount of fear into me with his hateful actions and the future looked bleak at best. The hatred raged on for more than 8 years. The first two years I lived like a zombie. I was so scared and broken down that I was literally numb. I felt like I could not go on. What saved me was my children.
Every decision I made was based on the kids. I would ask myself if the way I was reacting would honor my children or disappoint them. I literally lived through their eyes as a way of pushing myself through the ordeal. I wanted so badly to fight back and be as mean and cruel to my ex-husband as he was being to me. Not only did my feelings toward my kids stop me from unleashing all of the rage and hatred I was feeling, but something deep inside my soul kept me from becoming that person.
I have no idea where this voice came from, but I heard it often in my worst moments. It would tell me to feel sorry for my ex-husband. To understand that what he was exuding was what he felt about himself. I knew that I never wanted to regret anything I would say or do. I never wanted to feel embarrassed, ashamed or loath my decisions so I tried to remain peaceful.
Being peaceful in the midst of chaos is something I did but still can’t wrap my head around. I have no idea how I managed it. I did avoid as much as I could. I wouldn’t answer phone calls or letters, instead I let my attorney deal with those issues. In court it was even decided that the relationship was too toxic at the moment for communication so everything had to go through the attorney’s. I allowed myself to heal. I became very introspective and learned why I had picked that relationship, what my part in the whole mess might have been and how to move in a direction where my future would not be defined by my past.
It was a lot of work and completely exhausting to hold back and find peace in my head whenever things took a turn for the worst. I have never had to feel the disappointment of my children, family or friends for the way I acted while going through the divorce. I am grateful that I was able to find myself and feel my way through the divorce.
All of these years later, I am happy and feel peace surround me and comfort me. I am in a good marriage and have a lot to be thankful for. I can see now more than ever how lost my ex-husband had been and how he is just now starting to question himself and his actions. This is something I was sure I would never see. I was convinced that there was so much utter hate in his world that he would never be able to dig his way out of the world he created for himself. I have watched his next 2 disastrous marriages fall apart. I have seen the lack of closeness he has with the kids. He is still unaware of how to have a healthy, close relationship. Trust is something that doesn’t exist in his world. I feel sorry for him. I wonder sometimes if he will ever be able to get out of the prison that is his life and truly find joy.
I see where karma has fit into my life. I am now seeing that what I had put out into the world came back to me in a gentle way. Although my ex-husband has his own demons to deal with, he is finally starting to show self-control when speaking with me. I don’t feel the hatred anymore. I only feel a lost soul who has not found his place in the world.
I never thought I would ever in my entire life be able to be forgiving or have any sort of conversation with my ex-husband. All though I do not look to speak with him, it does happen because of the kids. I can get through a conversation without hanging up in tears or feeling threatened. I feel strong and secure in my place in life and I’m grateful for staying true to myself. Knowing how I wanted to honor myself and show myself to the world has been the best thing I could ever do for myself. I am proud of who I am and how the children view me. I look forward to continue to learn and tweak my personality to find the best person I can be.
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