Article by Wendy McCance
At 47 yrs. old, how can I still be lost? Why is it that a major event in your life can so dramatically affect the path you are on? Divorce, heath issues, job loss, money struggles they can take the very foundation you have based all of your decisions on and shake them up so badly that you are left with tattered pieces of a plan you thought was solid.
Here I am lost. I was one of many who lost their job in 2009 when the economy tanked. I rebuilt everything from scratch and became a freelance writer in 2012. And yet, here I am just a few years later reevaluating everything because of my health.
I should feel grateful. My husband has a job that affords me the opportunity to just stop and enjoy my kids and be a stay at home mom. I have desperately wanted to put all of my energy into being a mom without the distractions of work. I have 4 years before the kids are out of high school and preparing to go their own way. This is my last chance to grab some quality time with the kids just being a mom for them.
But, here’s the dilemma — I still feel restless. I want nothing more than to sink into this new role with pure excitement. I want to do what I have always dreamed of. I could be the mom who is always available to be at the kids beck and call. I can make sure that dinner is fabulous each night instead of pizza night’s because I am too busy working to cook. I can spend hours just hanging out with my children without excusing myself to take a business call. In my mind I want this desperately.
I wrestle with the notion of not taking on more work because I am afraid. I don’t want to lose my momentum or drive to succeed. I don’t want to rely so heavily on my husband for fear of the unknown. I have never depended on my spouse to take care of me financially without working as well. What if he can no longer work? What if he were to lose his job? What if…. I hate what if’s because it’s a useless way of thinking. I just need to find a way to relax, be grateful and enjoy the ride.
So here I am typing away while I try to convince myself that it’s okay to give up some control. I can live a little. My husband has given me his blessing and the children are thrilled to have my undivided attention. And me? I am on the verge of doing a happy dance, but I just need to let go of that last bit of fear attached to me like a spider web I have walked through. I need to free fall and take it all in because it won’t be around forever.
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