How Can I Still Be Lost?

The Maze at Glendurgan

 

 

 

 

 

Article by Wendy McCance

At 47 yrs. old, how can I still be lost?  Why is it that a major event in your life can so dramatically affect the path you are on?  Divorce, heath issues, job loss, money struggles they can take the very foundation you have based all of your decisions on and shake them up so badly that you are left with tattered pieces of a plan you thought was solid.

Here I am lost.  I was one of many who lost their job in 2009 when the economy tanked.  I rebuilt everything from scratch and became a freelance writer in 2012.  And yet, here I am just a few years later reevaluating everything because of my health.

I should feel grateful.  My husband has a job that affords me the opportunity to just stop and enjoy my kids and be a stay at home mom.  I have desperately wanted to put all of my energy into being a mom without the distractions of work.  I have 4 years before the kids are out of high school and preparing to go their own way.  This is my last chance to grab some quality time with the kids just being a mom for them.

But, here’s the dilemma — I still feel restless.  I want nothing more than to sink into this new role with pure excitement.  I want to do what I have always dreamed of.  I could be the mom who is always available to be at the kids beck and call.  I can make sure that dinner is fabulous each night instead of pizza night’s because I am too busy working to cook.  I can spend hours just hanging out with my children without excusing myself to take a business call. In my mind I want this desperately.

I wrestle with the notion of not taking on more work because I am afraid.  I don’t want to lose my momentum or drive to succeed.  I don’t want to rely so heavily on my husband for fear of the unknown.  I have never depended on my spouse to take care of me financially without working as well.  What if he can no longer work?  What if he were to lose his job?  What if….  I hate what if’s because it’s a useless way of thinking.  I just need to find a way to relax, be grateful and enjoy the ride.

So here I am typing away while I try to convince myself that it’s okay to give up some control.  I can live a little.  My husband has given me his blessing and the children are thrilled to have my undivided attention.  And me?  I am on the verge of doing a happy dance, but I just need to let go of that last bit of fear attached to me like a spider web I have walked through.  I need to free fall and take it all in because it won’t be around forever.

Wendy McCance

Wendy McCance is a Michigan based freelance writer and social media consultant. Wendy has gained attention as the founder of the popular blog Searching for the Happiness which can be viewed in 9 local papers online, including the Oakland Press. The combination of writing skills and social media knowledge is what makes Wendy such a powerhouse to work with. Stay tuned for opportunities to advertise, guest post and as always, have your questions answered.

To contact Wendy McCance about a writing or social media assignment, interview or speaking engagement, please email her at: mccance.wendy@gmail.com

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13 thoughts on “How Can I Still Be Lost?

  1. I also feel adrift. Health problems preclude any type of full-time employment; employers around here want perfection and I’m only human. Taking a swing at freelancing with dismal results. I’m single, self-supporting and living in near poverty. Something has to give for me. My health has cost me two part-time jobs in the past year and a half because of attendance. I love working from home, but I’m not making enough to meet my basic needs.

    Decisions, decisions.

    • Hi Elaine, I understand completely. I wasn’t able to work outside of the home because of fibromyalgia. I had to make freelance writing work because I had no other way to make a living. I started from scratch without having been a freelance writer in the past. My blog is full of tips and tricks I’ve learned over the years to get and keep excellent clients. You can look at my price chart to see what I charge too. All info is FREE. Just type in writing in the search and you will find a wealth of info. Wishing you the very best!

  2. Hi Wendy — I can understand and feel your restlessness. Going through a bit of that myself, though circumstances are more voluntary and not as frightening.

    Like Harold and not far from 70, I spent a lifetime chasing and doing. But, now, there’s times when I’m just tired with the thought of what to do and struggle with feeling guilty having so much time on my hands. Like you, I’m grateful I can be home and I’m finding a quiet surrender in my life. It’s sweet, though it’s not easy to be still and listen for guidance when we’ve been in charge for so long. For me, it’s about learning to love myself and allow myself some nurturing.

    Hugs to you, my friend. You’ll find the perfect balance for exactly what you need right where you are at this time in your life.

  3. Ok just hit something and lost my whole comment………….grrrrrrrrrrrrr
    Moving on what was I saying, something about how many people are lost for most of their lives not even knowing what direction they wish to be heading. Also something about how many women want to stay home with their children but find it doesn’t work for them they are restless and become a cranky mum because of it, it isn’t the amount of time one spends with a child that matters it is how that time is spent that is more important

  4. I know and understand what you are going through, as I have gone or are going through many of the same things. for someone who is nearly 70 year old….I went through a divorce over 30 years ago, so I know what the emotion are. I now have a wonderful wife of 30 years, but we have gone through many things in our life, including having a Business fail partially due the bad acts of a Business Partner. I have gone through physical problems and are dealing with some now, along with the mental problems that just seem to come along with them.

    Some days all I can do is put all of this in the Lords hands, and let him seek the path for me. Every day I seek out the Lords help, and try my best to be like him and follow the path he has for me, fully realizing that do not live up to what he expects of me.

    • Harold, thank you so much for sharing such a candid comment. I wish more people talked about how truly difficult life can be. So many people hide and portray a life that looks perfect. For those of us that are honest about the good times and bad, it feels as though somehow we missed something a long the way, some lesson that would have prevented us from having such difficult moments. In truth, we all go through good times and bad. I just wish it was more openly discussed. Wishing you the very best.

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