Article by Wendy McCance
In past posts, I’ve written of having issues with an ex-husband and how fiercely protective I am of my children. I’ve mentioned briefly that I have fibromyalgia and I have also discussed a bad work environment and how I no longer work there. I know that these subjects are all completely separate and seem random to bring up, but they have all collided in this last week.
Life is a funny thing. One moment you feel like you are finally getting a foothold on a better future, and then, WHAMO, you are sidetracked with the unpleasant side of what life has to offer. Over this last week, I got a last minute call from the ex-husband. He wanted me to keep the kids at our home for his 5 days so that he could go trapping. I didn’t even care that it was last minute. I was thrilled to have the kids for more days. The week was great, the kids were happy and I was so content. They went back to see their dad on Easter. The plan was that they would sleep over at his home and then come back to my house the next day. That night around 10:30pm my youngest called in tears. He was homesick and wanted to come home. His dad wasn’t home and he was being watched by his stepmom (not a good story). It tore me up that the one day they were supposed to see their dad they did for only a short while. There was no reason why they shouldn’t have come home for the night. Now their dad is going out of town again. The kids will get a few days more with me. There is counseling, acting class and baseball that the kids have this week. Thank g-d I’m not working right now. I don’t know how I would have done the juggle with a full-time job. The support system I had for help getting the kids from school alone is not available anymore.
This weekend my fibromyalgia flared up. I felt like I had been hit by a bus. All I could do was sleep. I was in horrible pain and my body was stiff and crackled when I moved around. All of the extra activity at home had pushed me and wore me down. What should be normal life for most people is so wearing with fibromyalgia. Your tolerance for a busy schedule becomes very small. It’s an extremely depressing feeling to wear down so quickly. I had to skip Easter at the in-laws. I ended up sleeping until 5:30pm that day. When I woke up, I could barely move let alone roll over or lift myself out of bed.
In addition to these other issues I’ve dealt with this week, I haven’t been working for 2 months. Money is disappearing faster than we can get all of the bills paid. I have sold some items for extra cash to pay the bills. Thank goodness I had items to sell.
This is what I know for certain:
1. I need to find a job that allows me to be available to the kids first and foremost. I never want them to feel anything but 100% security with me. They don’t receive that comfort from their father and these kids need to know that I will always be there and that they will always be first no matter what.
2. I need to find a way to make a living where having fibromyalgia is not such an obstacle. I am terrified of having a traditional job. When my Fibromyalgia flares up, if I don’t rest it only becomes worse and I end up in a state where I am no good to the people I work for, my family or myself.
3. I have found my calling. I love writing more than anything I have ever done. I know this is where my future lies and feel down to my core that this is what I was meant to do.
Each day, I have received in one form or another signs that I am moving in the right direction. My latest sign was getting an answer that I had asked several weeks prior on writing query letters. I received 5 answers this morning from a group I participate in. I was given some incredible links that took me to a free download of a 65 page packet on everything I could ever want to know about a query letter. I was also given a link to a blog written by a literary agent who talks quite bluntly about what works and what doesn’t when submitting a query.
The greatest part of looking inside myself and knowing without a doubt where my future lies is that I have a sense of purpose and a feeling of peace. I’m amazed that writing will fit so well into my life. It doesn’t matter what the kids schedule is or how I feel, writing can be done anytime day or night. If I need to put up my feet, no problem.
The worst part of finally knowing what I was meant to do is the uncertainty of how I will turn my passion into a career (meaning I will actually make an income). This is my sticking point. I have looked for part-time jobs, babysitting jobs, basically any job that might not be too taxing on my system where I can have some money flowing while I pursue what I love.
I’m sure this post has sounded a little rambled, but I need to figure out how to get to my next step. I feel stuck. Stuck is no good and completely not productive. Somehow I need to pick myself up, block out all of the unneccessary noise that life can create and get moving. If any of this post sounds like something you can relate to and you have an experience or advice that you feel would help, please send a comment my way. Thanks.
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